Men’s guide to surviving hormone hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:
What’s for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some chocolate.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some chocolate
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here’s my paycheck. Here, have some chocolate.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a glass of wine with that? Here, have some chocolate.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn’t over-do it today. I’ve always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more chocolate.

This guide was sent to me by my wife.  Trust me, it works.

 

( Originally posted 6/7/2006 )

Steven Wright

Ever wonder who my favorite comedian of all time would be? For stand-up, no one could beat Steven Wright:

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.’.

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

( Refresh the page for 5 more random Steven Wright quotes. )

The Good Wife’s Guide

This picture and article supposedly appeared in the May 13, 1955 issue of Housekeeping Monthly.  I have reproduced it a little so that it’s easier to read:

  • Have dinner ready.  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return.  This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned for his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal ( especially his favorite dish ) is part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Prepare yourself.  Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.  He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of yours duties is to provide it.
  • Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
  • Gather up schoolbooks, toys, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
  • Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.  Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.  After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • Prepare the children.  Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.  Minimise all noise.  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
  • Be happy to see him.
  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  • Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  • Make the evening his.  Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you.  Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
  • Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
  • Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
  • Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.  Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
  • Make him comfortable.  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  • Arrange his pillow and off to take off his shoes.  Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  • Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity.  Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.  You have no right to question him.
  • A good wife always knows her place.

That article was released in 1955, this is what happened following it:

1955 2.30%
1957 2.20%
1960 2.20%
1965 2.50%
1970 3.50%
1971 3.70%
1972 4.00%
1973 4.30%
1974 4.60%
1975 4.80%
1976 5.00%
1977 5.00%
1978 5.10%
1979 5.30%
1980 5.20%
1981 5.30%
1982 5.10%
1983 5.00%
1984 5.00%
1985 5.00%
1986 4.90%
1987 4.80%
1988 4.80%
1989 4.70%
1990 4.70%
1991 4.70%
1992 4.80%
1993 4.60%
1994 4.60%
1995 4.40%
1996 4.30%
1997 4.30%
1998 4.20%
1999 4.10%
2000 4.20%
2001 4.00%
2002 3.90%
2003 3.80%
2004 3.70%
2005 3.60%
2006 3.70%
2007 3.60%
2008 3.50%
2009 3.50%
2010 3.60%
2011 3.60%
2012 3.40%

The divorce rate went up to never go back again.  Coincidence?

Basketball and anatomy

Was just outside shooting basketball with my ten year old step-daughter. I gave her a body block, stole the ball, and decided to go for a long, long, long 3-pointer from the next door neighbor’s front yard. The ball arched through the air as the most graceful bird god ever created swooped aimlessly through the skies. Unfortunately that bird landed on the rim just as this downtown 3 pointer missed the center by just enough to actually sever the bird’s head from it’s body.

I immediately thought this might be the opportunity to explain some real-life anatomy along with some really bad puns to the 10 year old girl.

She wasn’t interested.