Men’s guide to surviving hormone hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:
What’s for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some chocolate.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some chocolate
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here’s my paycheck. Here, have some chocolate.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a glass of wine with that? Here, have some chocolate.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn’t over-do it today. I’ve always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more chocolate.

This guide was sent to me by my wife.  Trust me, it works.

 

( Originally posted 6/7/2006 )

Steven Wright

Ever wonder who my favorite comedian of all time would be? For stand-up, no one could beat Steven Wright:

“You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?
I feel like that all the time…”

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

( Refresh the page for 5 more random Steven Wright quotes. )

Basketball and anatomy

Was just outside shooting basketball with my ten year old step-daughter. I gave her a body block, stole the ball, and decided to go for a long, long, long 3-pointer from the next door neighbor’s front yard. The ball arched through the air as the most graceful bird god ever created swooped aimlessly through the skies. Unfortunately that bird landed on the rim just as this downtown 3 pointer missed the center by just enough to actually sever the bird’s head from it’s body.

I immediately thought this might be the opportunity to explain some real-life anatomy along with some really bad puns to the 10 year old girl.

She wasn’t interested.