Men’s guide to surviving hormone hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:
What’s for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some chocolate.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some chocolate
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here’s my paycheck. Here, have some chocolate.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a glass of wine with that? Here, have some chocolate.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn’t over-do it today. I’ve always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more chocolate.

This guide was sent to me by my wife.  Trust me, it works.

 

( Originally posted 6/7/2006 )

Chilling Photobombs

Lord, I am so tired of all these click bait headlines on Facebook. They are all slow as Christmas and 90% of them have no original content. One page will put it together, and then 100 will copy it and promote it on Facebook. However, I do enjoy the actual content, if you can get to see it.

So, without further ado, I am pirating the “chilling photobombs” click bait headline and giving it my own touch.

Cory Booker drove to Hawaii?

One of my favorite tweeters, Richard Nixon, had this to offer this morning:

Which threw me back to a post I did on Corey a few years ago:

Now, to be fair to Corey, that diatribe is a muddled mess leading to a suggestion to open a New Jersey diner in Hawaii. That really isn’t necessary or a shortcoming of Hawaii.  And, quite frankly, is a waste of taxpayers time and money discussing it on the floor.

However, what perplexed me most about Dick’s comment was “the far left will love him”.

This was Corey’s thoughts on “far left” not too long ago:

So, he’s not “far left” by his own definition.  He just wants to decriminalize drugs, and agrees with every single thing Obama tells him to, including selling out Israel for Iran.

Steven Wright

Ever wonder who my favorite comedian of all time would be? For stand-up, no one could beat Steven Wright:

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

( Refresh the page for 5 more random Steven Wright quotes. )

Greatest scorer of all time?

My friends over at Independent Sources did a little research into the greatest scorer of all time.  As in, scoring babes:

Here’s the list they came up with:

10. Bill Wyman – 1,000
9. Magic Johnson – 1,000
8. Lemmy Kilmister – 1,200
7. Jack Nicholson – 2,000
6. Ilie Nastase – 2,500
5. Engelbert Humperdinck – 3,000
4. Julio Iglesias – 3,000
3. Gene Simmons – 4,600
2. Charlie Sheen – 5,000
1. Umberto Billo – 8,000

Pretty impressive by my standards, and that of most men I would guess.  However, it’s child’s play compared to the most prolific scorer of all time:

One Persian writer at the time estimates that one century after Genghis Khan died, he had 20,000 descendants.

Now, ya gotta understand, that’s JUST descendants.  How many times do you recken he didn’t bother to procreate?  To put it in perspective, Genghis Khan’s hobby was raping all the women and killing all the men.  Not only was he spreading his genes, he was eliminating the competition.  Today, some estimates have nearly 8% of central Asia’s population carrying the Genghis Khan DNA.

And to think 1 boy wears me out.

As far as the list goes, I never imagined this being the face of one of the most prolific charmers of all time?

Lemmy

That’s not Genghis, apparently Lemmy is god.  Should we try to imagine a future Europe where 1 in 12 people look like Lemmy?  And for that matter, another 1 in 12 look like Bill Wyman?

I think I’d rather not.

11/1/2016: Lemmy died a few months ago.  This is my throwback to him.  I’ll have another pretty soon when I can find it.

Basketball and anatomy

Was just outside shooting basketball with my ten year old step-daughter. I gave her a body block, stole the ball, and decided to go for a long, long, long 3-pointer from the next door neighbor’s front yard. The ball arched through the air as the most graceful bird god ever created swooped aimlessly through the skies. Unfortunately that bird landed on the rim just as this downtown 3 pointer missed the center by just enough to actually sever the bird’s head from it’s body.

I immediately thought this might be the opportunity to explain some real-life anatomy along with some really bad puns to the 10 year old girl.

She wasn’t interested.